When you start dating a special new s#x-flower, you have no idea how things are going to work out.
If you're an idiotic optimist like me, you start dating someone new and before you know it you're picturing your life with this person, whether you want to or not.
Chagrined I'll admit that I've named fictive babies more than once.
It's almost impossible to start dating and not be wearing some Frenchified rose colored glasses.
You're in love! Or at least, deeply in like, and all of your parts are moist for all of their parts. (S#xii, with two i's, y'all.)
While there's no way of knowing how the relationship will go, there are definite massive huge impressive red flags that wave if you are headed for heartbreak. It can be hard to see them (however HUGE they might be) when you're dating someone new and in that first flush.
But go around the block a few times (you slut, you, get it!) and you'll soon know what to watch for to keep unnecessary heartbreak down at heel.
1. He won't call you girlfriend
If he won't call you girlfriend, you aren't his girlfriend, and you never will be. It's just that simple.
You want in and he's all "OH GOD LET ME OUT."
2. He won't meet your family
You know why he won't meet your family? Because your dad will be shaking his hand and saying hello and what dude will be hearing is "So, you're the young man who is sport fucking my daughter. Greetings, monster."
He knows he ain't in it to win it, he doesn't want to put himself or you through that.
3. He won't make plans
You're the plan maker. Always. And even when you say "let's hangout on Saturday", you might not hear from him until say 10:30 that evening. Why? Because you aren't a priority in his life.
If you think THAT stings try pouring a little hydrogen peroxide on it.
4. He tells you he's not ready for a relationship
If a guy tells you he isn't ready for a relationship BELIEVE HIM! If a guy tells you he's bad news, BELIEVE HIM! In fact, if a dude is quick to tell you all of his failings as boyfriend material, BELIEVE HIM.
You're literally hearing it from the emotionally unavailable horse's mouth.
5. He's still in touch with his exes
There's the guy who is still polite to his exes, and there's the guy who would run and jump right back into her panties should she snap her ludcirously French manicured fingers.
Use your best discretion.
6. He's a fantasist
He might not call you his girlfriend, but it's April and he's talking about what you'll do for Christmas. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY HIS WEB OF LIES.
He is trying to throw you off the scent so that you will keep doing him.
7. He hides his phone
I mean yes, that is a clear red flag. I'd also add, he's on his phone all the fucking time. You know what will be there no matter how he treats it? Twitter. You are better than twitter.
I know, I know, it's a lot to process but it's true: You. Are. Better. Than. Twitter.
8. He's hard to talk to
I dated a guy for six months. I was in love with him by the end. But when it came to my feelings, our s#x life, the weather, I never felt 100% comfortable opening up to him.
That's a sign I (and everyone else) should watch out for.
9. He gaslights you
I CANNOT WITH THIS. If you think something's wrong, and you ask him if something's wrong and his response is "you're crazy", get the fuck out of there. The only acceptable answer to your question is "Yeah, there is, let's talk," or "no, I'm okay, are you okay?"
Do not EVER let a man make you think your feelings or concerns are hysterical or crazy.
10. He's still dating someone else
I am a very smart woman. I dated a man seriously who was still living with AND dating his girlfriend of 10 years. That is a stupid thing for a smart woman to do, but it happens, because genitals get tingly and somebody made you a good playlist.
Don't beat yourself up, do end it.
11. He's just moved to your state
He is not ready. He'll probably tell you he's not ready. You'll try to be a low-impact casual girlfriend, which will be fine until you fall for him and he can't make that leap.
This is another case of listening when he talks to avoid internal combustion.
12. He's got a fucked up relationship with his dad
Hot take, I know! Every bad relationship I have ever been in the dude has had a borked dynamic with his dad. RUN. RUN.
Girl, this is a horror movie and you screaming and running upstairs is not the correct choice. Run OUT of the house, get in your car, and drive into the night.
Full disclosure: I'm dating someone now who has a fucked up relationship with their dad. So clearly do as I say, not as I do.